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1、【考研1号】专为英语基础一般及薄弱者打造2011考研英语写作在线修改及点评木桶效应【2011.6.1】老师 你好，这是我在看了 160篇作文 的第一篇（木桶效应）后根据我平时积累的，结合原文的一些语句进行自己的扩展。里面的错误，由于我功底欠佳 希望帮我改改 谢谢啦。（希望用红色字体显示）。【写作原文】As is vividly shown in the picture ,a barrel cannot play the role of maximun capacity because of its shortest wood; One broken iron ring determins en
2、tire load-bearing. We all know the wooden barrel theory and the broken iron chain tells us the same thing that characteristic affects ones future .A variety of examples in our history while the following one is the foremost .Yao jia xin ,a collage student who should have possesed a perfect promising
3、 ,while he killed the woman after strikhing her that have been betrayed by the society and the laws .Weaknesses of our personality resemble the broken chain and itsalike that have limited our development .Therefore , were we ignorance them ,no triumph can we achieve. As to ourself,it is imperative t
4、o pefect our personality by absorbing essence and neglecing the drawbacks .【范文点评】As is vividly shown in the picture ,a barrel cannot play the role of maximun capacity because of its shortest wood; One broken iron ring determins entire load-bearing.【第一段点评】首段描述了漫画内容：最短的木板决定了木桶的最大容量，断裂的铁链决定了整个链条的承重能力。一
5、般考研英语写作采用的都是三段式的写法，即首段描述漫画内容，随后联系实际，揭示漫画主旨。第二段分析现象原因和造成的影响。第三段提出对现象的态度以及应对措施。所以下面的第二段总结漫画可以合并入第一段。maximun拼写错误，应为maximum；play the role of maximum capacity这一部分中，play the role of后面应跟一种作用，职位，而maximum capacity是容量程度的水平，两者的搭配不符合英语的语言逻辑，所以可以改为give full play to its maximum capacity；将wood改为board更为确切；determin拼
6、写错误，应为determine。 We all know the wooden barrel theory and the broken iron chain tells us the same thing that characteristic affects ones future .【第二段点评】第二段总结了漫画的中心思想：特点会影响一个人的未来。此处建议换为缺点（shortcomings; defects; weaknesses等），与漫画的内容和想要传达的主题更为贴切。句中出现了两个动词原型：know和tells，可以将句子改为： the wooden barrel theory a
7、nd the broken iron chain which is familiar to people tell us the same thing that weaknesses affect ones future .A variety of examples in our history while the following one is the foremost . Yao jia xin ,a collage student who should have possesed a perfect promising ,while he killed the woman after
8、strikhing her that have been betrayed by the society and the laws .【第三段点评】第三段用药家鑫案对论点进行了举例论证。该段内容过于单一，只有一个独立的论据，没有与上下文承上启下的衔接句。句A variety of examples in our history没有动词部分，可以改为there be句型：There are a variety of examples in our history while；通常举例中使用in history都说明后面的例子是经典著名的历史事件，而要列举现实生活中的事例，可以写为in our d
9、aily life。句中should have done的结构用得不错，表示本该做某事实则没有做，含有批评的意思；possesed a perfect promising中possesed拼写错误，应为possessed，promising为形容词“有希望的；有前途的”，因此要改为名词形式promise；he killed the woman中the改为不定冠词a，这里不需要特指；触犯、违背法律应使用动词break，一般不与betray“背叛”搭配；strikhing拼写错误，应为striking；主语Yao jia xin没有相应的谓语部分，建议此句改为As is known to all,
10、 Yao jia xin, a collage student who should have possessed a perfect promise, have broke the law when he killed the woman after knocking her down.Weaknesses of our personality resemble the broken chain and itsalike that have limited our development . Therefore , were we ignorance them ,no triumph can
11、 we achieve. As to ourself,it is imperative to pefect our personality by absorbing essence and neglecing the drawbacks .【第四段点评】总结缺点对我们的影响，指出要完善个人性格。句resemble用得不错，有别于常见的同类表达；itsalike（应为its alike）与前面的resemble属于表意重复，此处可以删去，改为which引导的定语从句，即Weaknesses of our personality resemble the broken chain and whic
12、h have limited our development.倒装句使用错误，正确的用法是Therefore, were we ignorant of them, we would achieve no triumph. 此句等同于if we were ignorant of them, we would achieve no triumph.句ourself错误，应为ourselves，pefect拼写错误，应为perfect，neglecing拼写错误，应为neglecting；取其精华去其糟粕这句话通常在向他人学习时使用，表示别人的优点要学习，缺点要摒弃之，而不是用在自我性格的提升上。【
13、总体点评】在写文章时要注意以下几点：1. 书写格式。英文的书写格式为表达符号之前不空格，之后空一格，在以后的练习中要注意这个问题。2. 文中出现了多次拼写错误，在写完作文后一定要进行仔细地检查，养成良好的写作习惯，避免在不必要的环节上失分。3. 考研英语大作文的字数要求为160200字，这篇作文的字数在140字左右。在以后的练习中要注意控制字数，过多或过少都会对分数造成一定影响。4. 文章的结构。正如在一段点评中说到的，考研英语写作有一定的框架结构，在进行写作练习之前可以先参考考研英语写作160篇上的例文，对其文章结构和思路有大概的了解之后再据此动笔，逐渐掌握一般写作的框架。考研1号图书客服部2011.06.03更多精华请登陆 考研1号网