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1、英语幽默故事There was a guy who went into a shop to buy a parrot. There werethree parrots in the shop. One was $5,000; another one, $10,000; and the third one, $30,000. The customer asked the owner, “How come this guy is $5,000? That?s so expensive for this ki ndof parrot. ” The owner said,“ Because I hav
2、e trainedhim and he can talk. ” So the customer asked him,“How aboutthis guy? What can he do that makes him so expensive? ” The owner said,“ Well, apart from talking, he can also do someamusing actions,like dan cing and so on. That?s why he?s so expensive. ” Then the customer said,“How about the thi
3、rd one?What canhe do that makes him so expensive?” The owner ofthe shopsaid, “I don?t know. Normally, I have never heard him talk, nor dance, nor whistle, nor sing, nothing at all! But the other two call him ,The Boss.? ” 老板最大有个人到一间商店买鹦鹉。店里有三只鹦鹉，其中一 只卖五千元，另一只卖一万元，还有一只卖三万元。顾客问老板： 为什么这只要卖五千元？这个价钱对这种鹦鹉
4、来说太贵了！ 老板说：因为我有训练他讲话。顾客又问：那这只呢？他 会做什么？为什么要卖这么贵？ 老板说：他除了会说话之外， 还会表演一些有趣的动作，好比说跳舞等等，所以才卖这么贵。 顾客接着又问：那第三只呢？他会做什么？为什么要卖这么 贵？ 老板说：我不知道。 我从没听过他讲话、 吹口哨或唱歌， 也没看过他跳舞， 什么都没有！ 不过另外两只叫他： 老板！ Where is the egg?Teacher:Can you make a sentence with the word egg?Student:Yes.I ate a piece of cake yesterday. Teacher:T
5、hen where is the “ egg? Student:In the cake,Sir.鸡蛋在哪里？老师：你能用 “鸡蛋 ”一词造句吗？学生：可以。我昨天吃了一块蛋糕。老师：“鸡蛋 ”在哪？学生：在蛋糕里，先生Tom is a little boy, and he is only seven years old. Once he goes to a cinema. It is the first time for him to do that. He buys a ticket and goes in. But after two or three minutes he comes o
6、ut, and buys the second ticket and goes in again. After a few minutes he comes out again and buys the third ticket. Two or three minutes after that he comes out and asks for anotherticket. But a girl asks him,How many friends do you meet?Why do you buy so many tickets?” h“avNeon, oI friends here,but
7、 a big woman always stops me at the door and cuts up my ticket. ”After Keating had learnt the fine art training course conducted by the Childrens Palace for two years,he draw a portrait by the fauvism for his father as his birthday gift.Looking at hisownportrait painting , his father felt a pang of
8、pain, saying:Youd better add the to it and convert it into a gorilla.汤姆是个小孩， 他才 7 岁。 当他去电影院的时候。那时他第一 次去。他买了张票进去了。 但没过两三分钟他就出来了，然后 买了第二张票又进去了。 几分钟后他又出来买了第三张票。 接 着两三分钟后他又出来买票。 一个女的问她， “你为什么要买那 么多票啊 ? 你见到了几个朋友？ 没有， 我里面没朋友， 但是 每当我进门的时候一位大的女人老把我的票给剪了 他真是一个大人物小孩：我叔叔下面有 1000 个人。男人：他真是一个大人物。他是干什么的？ 小孩：墓地守墓人
9、。Child:My uncle has 1000 men under him.Man:He is really somebody.What does do?Child:A maintenance man in a cemeteryTeacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were stillalive today?Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.一名伟人 老师：如果莎士比亚还活着，他会是一名伟人
10、吗？ 学生：当然。因为到目前为止，还没有人活到 400 多岁。Mr. Smith: Waiter, theres a dead fly in my soup.Waiter: Yes, sir, I know-its the heat that kills it. 史密斯先生：服务员，我的汤里有一只死苍蝇 服务员：是的，先生，我知道了，它是被烫死的Son: Dad, give me a dime.Father: Son, dont you think youre getting too big to be forever begging for dimes?Son: I guess youre
11、right, Dad, Give me a dollar, will you?儿子：爸爸，给我一角钱。父亲：儿子，你不认为你已经长大了，不该再老是一角一角地要 钱了（该自立了 ），不是吗？儿子：爸爸，我想你是对的，那给我一块钱行吗？A little kid fell in love with another little kid, a school mate.Sometimes the kids think they fall in love when they have a crush on someone else in the cla ss, when they?re eight or
12、ten years old or something like that. So the eight-year-oldFather, is itkid came back home and asked his father,expensive to be married?And the father said,Yes, son,it is very expensive.So the son asked,eHsoitw much docost? ” And the father said,“I don?t know, son. I?m still paying.有个小孩爱上了另一个小孩， 对方是
13、学校的同学。 八岁或十岁左 右的孩子有时会迷恋班上某个人， 然后就以为自己恋爱了。 因此 这个八岁的小孩回家问他爸爸： 爸爸，结婚很花钱吗？爸爸 说：是啊，儿子，非常花钱。儿子又问： 要花多少钱呢？爸爸说：我不知道，儿子，我到现在还一直在付钱啊！Im Trying to Stop It Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected? No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other
14、 , so I am trying to stop it. “孩子，你为什么用棉花塞住耳朵？它感染了吗？ ” “没有，老师。可是你昨天说你告诉我的知识都是一个耳朵里进， 一个耳朵里出，所以我要把它堵在里面。 ”“ Imsorry ，Madam ，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your b oys tooth .”“ Twentyd ollars! Why ，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”“ Y
15、es， but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .”“对不起，夫人，为您孩子拔牙我要收取 20 美元。”“ 20美元！为什么？不是说好只要 4 美元。” “是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四个病人吓跑了。 ” TWO： Teacher ：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract. Now，can anyone giveme a good
16、example?John ：Well ，in the summer the days are long ，and in the winter the days are short.老师：我们都知道热胀冷缩的道理。现在，谁给我举个例子？约翰：嗯，在夏天天都长，在冬天天都短。The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:Let me ask the evolutionist a question - if we had tails like a
17、 baboon, where are they?Ill venture an answer, said an old lady. We have worn them off sitting here so long. 教进化论的老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时， 他的话题又来 了： “让我向进化论者提个问题 如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着 尾巴，那么现在尾巴到哪里去了？ ” “我来试试看， ”一位老太太说。“该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。 ”A man was going to the house of some rich person. As he went along the road
18、, he saw a box of good apples at the side of the road. He said, I do not want to eat those apples; for the rich man will give me much food; he will give me very nice food to eat. Then he took the apples and threw them away into the dust. He went on and came to a river. The river had become very big;
19、 so he could not go over it. He waited for some time; then he said, I cannot go to the rich mans house today, for I cannot get over the river. He began to go home. He had eaten no food that day. He began to want food. He came to the apples, and he was glad to take them out of the dust and eat them.
20、Do not throw good things away; you may be glad to have them at some other time.【译文】一个人正朝着一个富人的房子走去， 当他沿着路走时， 在路的一边他发现一箱好苹果，他说： “我不打算吃那些苹果， 因为富人会给我更多的食物，他会给我很好吃的东西。 ”然后他 拿起苹果，一把扔到土里去。 他继续走，来到河边，河涨水了， 因此，他到不了河对岸，他等了一会儿，然后他说： “今天我去 不了富人家了，因为我不能渡过河。 ”他开始回家，那天他没有 吃东西。他就开始去找吃的，他找到苹果，很高兴地把它们从尘 土中翻出来吃了。 不要把好东西扔掉，换个时候你会觉得它们 大有用处。